TLDR: Hopelessness is not an event, but a process. It grows by degrees, little by little, over time. It feeds on unrealistic expectations, and where it builds a home, depression pays the mortgage.
This last Sunday, 2-26-23, I said in my sermon, “Hopelessness is not an event, but a process. It grows by degrees, little by little, over time.” I have been asked to say a few more words about this and to add a few illustrations from my 28 years as a Clinical Social Worker. I have seen the slow progression from disappointment to bitterness for many years, and the same principle that allows this to happen is often the culprit of hopelessness. I like to call this principle, “The Variance Principle,” and it goes like this: The deficit between our expectations and our reality often leads to disappointment. For example, if your expectation of a loving relationship is that your spouse will always do what you want them to do (in every place, time, and circumstance,) then every time they behave differently than expected, there will be a negative variance, a deficit, if you will. You wanted one hundred percent of compliance, but they are only able to live up to your expectations forty to fifty percent of the time. The variance between your expectation and your reality leads to disappointment. If your understanding of happiness is a life completely void of any conflict, then every time you encounter conflict you will feel disappointment, and perhaps other negative feelings. If your view of God is wrapped-up in the idea of provision (the ATM God,) then every time you feel as though God is not giving you the prosperity you expect, you will feel abandoned by God, whom you will begin to see as uncaring.
Now, to be fair, most emotionally and spiritually healthy humans have sufficient coping mechanisms to deal with disappointments. We have the ability to reframe, process, grieve, pivot, reassess expectations, and challenge the cognitive distortions involved in disappointments. We are able to see problems from a different perspective, “Perhaps doing things his own way will prove beneficial in the long term. He is a judicious man; I need to give him the benefit of the doubt” (reframing.) We can talk to those who disappoint us and ask for an explanation, “Help me understand your decision. How will your decision lead to a desirable outcome?” (processing.) We can just cry it out and grieve the person’s decision, “I feel very sad and confused about your decision, and I wish you would have spoken to me first, but I have chosen to move beyond it. Can we talk about it?” (grieving.) We can use the person’s decision to chart a new course of action, “I was planning to use that money for a vacation in Hawaii, but we can always spend the next three weeks with my mother at her mobile home in rural Kansas” (pivot.) We can reassess our expectations, “I fell in love with her independent spirit, perhaps my expectations for complete agreement with my wishes is unfair. She needs to be allowed to thrive and make decisions. Perhaps I have to change my expectations” (reassess expectations.) We can always challenge our faulty thinking, “Why do I think he loves me less because he decided to buy a motorcycle? Why do I feel disrespected because he took my brother out to dinner without asking me? Why do I feel the need to control all his movements?” (challenging cognitive distortions.)
Hopelessness develops when our coping mechanisms and our support systems are insufficient to deal with the thousands of paper-cut injuries we sustain during a considerable amount of time. Sometimes God and his Church are the source of these paper cut injuries. Our expectations are so high that even Jesus of Nazareth would be a complete failure as the Rector of our church. We expect God to be always on-call, waiting patiently for our next request, and then prioritizing our needs over hunger in Ethiopia and the war in Ukraine. We have strict rules of conduct in our minds about how others must behave, and even Saint Francis of Assisi would be seen as a lazy man who needs to find a real job. Overtime, these petty little grievances and disappointments can lead to bitterness, and eventually to hopelessness.
In my experience, there needs to be an additional ingredient to convert disappointments, and even bitterness, into hopelessness. This is our own internalized view of our abilities to cope with disappointments or conflicts. Many have a negative understanding or appreciation of their intelligence, skills level, ability to manage conflict, faith, emotional intelligence, perspective, insight, judgement, etc. “I would love to challenge this person’s behavior, but I hate conflict.” Or “If I were wealthier, smarter, better able to express myself, these abuses would not be happening.” Or “What can I do about this? I am a woman, a child, a minority… and I am completely voiceless in this group, culture, town, family…” Or “I was never God’s favorite anyway. There is nothing I can do to improve my relationship with God. I simply don’t have enough faith.” Or “I was never an insider in this church, this Rector would never understand my past experiences.” There are countless “ORs”.
Once you begin to accumulate disappointments, fail to challenge your cognitive distortions, distance yourself from any support systems, and adopt a negative (deficit-based) understanding of your own skills, abilities, and sense of worth, you have opened all the doors for hopelessness to walk in. And where hopelessness has built a home, depression is paying the mortgage.
Healthy expectations are the key to a happy and well-adjusted life. Unrealistic expectations of yourself and others betray the fact that we are always under construction regardless of age. We will never achieve perfection on this side of the River Jordan, and it is very unfair to expect nothing but perfection from ourselves and others. As the popular country song used to say, “We all need room to make mistakes.”
Lastly, never underestimate the impact of a good support system. When you begin to isolate, you begin to die. Life is best when lived in community. Call on us if we can be of help.
May our Lord continue to bless you,
Fr. Roman+
