I once learned that unhappiness is a mathematical problem, rather than an emotional one. In short, unhappiness is the deficit or variance between your expectations and your reality. The larger the deficit, the more pronounced your discontent with life; conversely, the smaller the deficit, the greater your level of satisfaction. There are many variations of this formula: (1) The greater your gratitude index, the lower your tendency to complain. (2) The more you accept people for who they are, the more you learn to love them for who they are. (3) The higher your optimism level, the less negative you are, etc.
I like the unhappiness formula better because it is more general and encompasses every area of life, from relationships to employment, from raising children to where you chose to live, from your dietary choices to how you choose to spend leisure time, etc. I am not just a member of the “Realistic Expectations” club, I am also the club’s president. I have tried to live by the norms of the club all my life and, as a result, I tend to be a contented individual. Of course, this is also a function of my faith. The more I place on Jesus’ shoulders, the less burdened I am by things over which I have no control.
I believe Americans have great, gigantic, overly inflated, as big-as-the-moon… expectations about most things. We expect to be rich by the age of 20, and to remain 20 forever. Restaurants and banks must attend to us without the necessity of waiting. We expect our waiters and waitresses to read our minds and offer products and services we might need or want before we ask for them. And we expect our spouses to treat us as though we are Queen Elizabeth II or His Royal Highness Philip Mountbatten. As for children, neighbors, and colleagues all we want is for them to realize our intellectual superiority, do as we ask of them, and never embarrass us in public. In terms of our jobs, it would be appropriate if the owner of the company memorized the birthdates of our children, spouse, and mother-in-law, and sent edible arrangements, flowers, or jewelry, depending on the occasion. Traffic must always be light, the weather radiant, and our jobs less than 3 miles from our homes. Church must always be inspirational, and our preachers should be a perfect mixture of Bob Hope, Billy Graham, and Bill Gates. Entertaining and funny, impeccable preachers and caring pastors, and wise administrators with expertise in managing complex enterprises like Microsoft. Of course, they all must be young and have a family!
In terms of our mood, we expect to be always confident, content, and cared for. And it is the responsibility of everyone around us to make sure we are always at our best and we always feel secured, loved, and taken care off. Our homes should always show the world our status and place in society, and we will consider ourselves a failure if our current dwellings do not resemble the Disney castles of our childhood fantasies. We were told as children that we could be anything we wanted to be and that we could always have whatever we wanted in life. Those are our expectations, and anything less than these is problematic for us.
Sadly, life is never as we expected it would be when we were children. Life is what it is! So, what do we make with the difference between the fantasy and the reality? Billy Joel’s Piano Man has a line that reads, “I could be a movie star if I could get out of this place!” What do we do when this is our life? For some the answer is found in things: More toys, better clothes, “shop ‘till you drop” behaviors, the newest and greatest gadgets, more books, etc. We fill the void with things, even if we must get in serious debt to fill the gap. Sadly, the Christmas season is a serious trigger for folks who believe one more cashmere sweater is exactly what they need.
Others have frantically tried to find Mr. Right or Mrs. Right all their lives, going in and out of relationships at an astonishing pace. They are looking for that “perfect” partner that will make all the difference in the world and fill all the voids in their life. It is inhumanely unfair to expect anyone to be the measure of all perfection. Most of us have feet of clay. We will disappoint each other and fail to measure up. This is just a reality of life. Only one man was perfect, and he chose to remain single (he says, tongue in cheek!) If you have managed to create the perfect partner, make sure it did not come at the cost of their individuality, creativity, and personal aspirations. You may have just created a perfect robot, a modern version of the Stepford Wife (or husband.)
Some deal with this variance through rigid, inflexible, and uncompromising personalities. It is always their way or the highway. If you are not with them, you must be against them. Life is black and white and anyone who says the opposite is an enemy. Others must lead lives of duty, responsibility, and sacrifice if they want any place in their lives. Is not that they are cantankerous or grouchy, they are perfectly fine how they are, it is the other who has the problem.
There are too many examples to list. I believe this variance is at the heart of much addiction, mental illness, and interpersonal relationship problems. Our expectations are so great that not even Jesus of Nazareth would be good enough for us. I have news for you: The perfect husband, wife, mother, father, boss …. (fill the blank) does not exist. They have never existed, and they will never exist this side of the heavenly River Jordan. It always saddens me when I meet people who claim to know and love Jesus whose expectations are cosmic in proportion. Salvation by grace demands that we admit our sin and imperfection, and not just ours but the sin and imperfection of others. Our expectations must be realistic for our lives to reach the balance they need. When we are honest about our lives, we realize that we are better off than more than 80% of the world’s population. We are richly blessed, but we will never be able to see all the blessings in our lives until we lower our expectations and accept life and everything in it as a gift we do not deserve.
“Just give me Jesus!” the old spiritual asked God. Only Jesus is fundamental, everything else is lagniappe!
May God continue to bless you,
Fr. Roman
