TLDR: In this blog I get a bit personal, sharing a few things about me you may not know. Please read to the end, or you may miss the punchline.

My dad used to say I was a stubborn child and there may be some truth to this. But what he called stubbornness others call single-minded determination, get-to-it-ness, a resolve not to quit until a task is completed, and the ability to find work arounds when obstacles impede the fulfillment of goals. My mother had a different opinion: I live in my own world and dance to the tune of my own song. There may be some truth to this as well. But what she called “my own world” others call introspection, introversion, shyness, a bit of insecurity, and, in the words of a professor at Rutgers, “an over-developed super-ego and a somewhat inflated sense of self.” The inflated sense of self was the result of childhood guilt. I came to a point in my teenage years when I believed I was responsible for what happened to others. God approved of my piety and devotion by blessing those around me with health and prosperity. God punished my behaviors and lack of faith by sending misfortune to those I loved. This “guilt-orientation-to-life” was fairly common in some Roman Catholic circles, and it was grandiose. Our sin or piety had the power to illicit a response from God. A movement in any direction had to be taken very carefully because the fate of those I loved rested on the balance. What power I thought I had!

The stubbornness my dad believed I had, understood differently by some, has served me well. The introspection my mother identified earlier in my life has made me somewhat of a loner, but in many ways, it has been a blessing. The guilt portion of that over-developed super-ego, however, is something I continue to work on every day. I, like many of you, still struggle with criticism and tend to blame myself for the occasional jab, thinly vailed insult, or “God-bless-his-little-soul” comment I hear. I sometimes wonder, “What have I done to upset so-and-so?  Why doesn’t so-and-so like me? What could I do differently to earn so-and-so’s approval? Etc.” The truth is that there are times when I misfire, and the occasional criticism is appropriate. In those cases, I tend to do better when the person speaks to me personally and gives me the opportunity to explain myself or to apologize. In fact, those are opportunities for personal growth that I value dearly. There are other times, however, when the criticism is not appropriate, and I am just the latest victim of somebody’s pain. As someone once said, “Hurt people hurt people!” The goal in these cases is to process the hurt (with a spiritual director, therapist, or spouse;) to address the issue (if possible) with the person who made the comment; to forgive; and to move on. This is harder than it sounds, but it can lead to better emotional resilience, more dispassionate acceptance of others, and less reactivity and bitterness. It also leads to humility because it acknowledges that I don’t have the power to make anyone feel one way or another about me and, therefore, my guilt is unnecessary. As much as it pains me, I am not responsible for the weather. I am just a common mortal and not as powerful as I think I am.   

Church business is sometimes a funny sort of business. It offers untold opportunities for personal growth and connection. It can also bring a special kind of madness for folks who have an over-developed sense of responsibility. As I reflect on 18 years of ministry during this “Pastor’s Month,” I can honestly say that I have been truly happy in ministry. I have met some of the most amazing people and had the honor to serve some of the most Spirit-filled Bishops in the Church. My only regret is that I didn’t come into ministry until I was forty years old. On the other hand, a church is a microcosm of society at large, and the priest can often become the screen against which people project their fears, aspirations, doubts, insecurities, and pain. This is normal and most priests know that walking alongside people during these difficult moments is part of the call. In fact, for me it is what makes the call so special. So, please call on me during these difficult times in your life. Don’t give me just the shiny, lily-white, happy moments, when everything is going just fine. Bring me in on the other stuff as well.

I do have a favor to ask, see it as a gift during this month when many churches celebrate their pastors. Help me to reduce behind-the-scenes chatter about things that may annoy you about me or anyone in the staff. We truly are here to serve you, and we love all of you, quirks and all. Pick up the phone and call me. I promise you that I will listen and that I will not think differently about you. I also promise you that I will do my best to be responsive to your concerns. Help us also to dial down any unhelpful political commentary on Facebook during this election season. As Mitch LeJeune said the other day, “The day after the election, the sun will shine again as it always has.” We are almost on the other side of this election. Please be patient and pray for our beloved country during these highly polarized times.

May our Lord continue to bless you,

Fr. Roman+